My Husband IS my Best Friend

The other day, I came across this article on Facebook, and I was rather shocked at the comments surrounding it. Loads of women commented about how much they agreed with comments along the lines of, “Saying your spouse is your best friend is more than an overused, annoying cliche!” and “Yeah, seriously, my best friend is my girlfriend; she is my best friend and he is my husband.”

(I would like to note that this next bit is based on the people I’ve personally come across, and that there may be some women out there who have lots of close girlfriends, but without the negative things I discuss––I just don’t know any of them)

REALLY? Wow. See, most women I know who have a big girlfriend group tend to be...well, from what I’ve observed, not particularly mature when it comes to relationships. They have to have their girl time, they are very ‘squealy’, and, frequently, they’ve had a hard time finding a spouse in the first place because they prioritize their girlfriends beyond reason, which makes it difficult for a guy to spend much time with the girl he’s dating, especially when it comes to growing closer one-on-one.

That’s the giant cliche here. Women who act like every other underdeveloped female lead in a cheesy chick-flick. Except, this is the real world.

Now, before you accuse me of not having any girlfriends to know what this is all about, I will lay it out for you. I have several very close girlfriends. It’s always really refreshing to talk to them, and, if we’ve not seen each other in a while, we can talk for hours, and it feels like minutes. However, they are not my best friends. WAIT. That’s not to say that they aren’t some of the best friends I have, but I don’t go around handing out the title of best friend to everyone. Here’s how my ranking of friendship goes:

Acquaintance (You have met them, and either don’t see or communicate with them very often, or you’re around them (work or school), but rarely, if ever, speak to each other.)

Friendquaintance (We really need a word for this...We talk regularly to each other, and have a sort of friendship, but it only exists within the bounds of work or school, or whatever else.)

Friends (You hang out occasionally, and have probably had a meal together.)

Good Friend (You know more about each other’s lives than just friends, though this is a minor distinction)

Close Friend (You hang out a lot, eat together sometimes, generally know what’s going on in each other’s lives, and are very invested in each other. Sometimes I refer to people in this category as some of my best friends)

Best Friend (Official title. Reserved for only a few, because otherwise this title means almost nothing. This person know pretty much everything about what’s going on in your life as it’s going on.)

I have acquaintances, some friends, a few more good friends, and many close friends, whom I adore (and all of my girlfriends fall into “Close Friend”). However, the only people I refer to as  “best friends” on a regular basis are my mom (because she actually is; it’s not just something I’m saying to be thoughtful), and my husband, Todd. After all we’ve done together, I feel it’d be a bit of an insult to not consider him my best friend, truly.

Growing up, I had best friendships, but they generally only lasted a year or two––the longest one lasted about 3 years. Any you know what, though I needed them at the time, I don’t look back at those and think, “Oh, how vital those were!” They don’t mean anything to me now, and I haven’t kept in touch with those people, nor do I care to.

Todd has always been different for me, though I don’t think our story is one that most people experience.

I had briefly met Todd once or twice before, but when we finally sat down together and had our first real conversation, I was immediately drawn to him. We talked for a couple of hours, and, when he left, for the very first time in my life, after having one conversation with a peer, I knew I wanted to become friends with him.

We continued to talk, and hang out, and became fast friends. After one semester, I loved him as a friend, and cared about him as much as any of my girlfriends. The first couple of months of the next semester, we continued to spend time together, and he was definitely my best friend. He was so much my best friend that, when we started dating, I was a bit nervous because I knew that he would be the one, or things would end awkwardly after a short period of time––and then what would I do? He was my very best friend; I couldn’t replace that!

Luckily, it worked out.

In the article, the author said that, maybe, instead of saying (on an anniversary or spouse's birthday) our spouse is amazing and our best friend, we should say, “‘Thanks for not leaving me when I act like a lunatic’ or I really appreciate you driving me to therapy every week.’” On this point I agree, but I think that can, and should (go, say those things!), be done in person. The kind of post the author refers to, I think, is a nice, simple declaration of appreciation, meant to tell others how full your heart is.

I am not perfect, and I am so grateful that Todd is willing to put up with my crap. But you know what? I put up with his crap, too. The thing is, neither of us dwell on the less-pretty things about each other––because that’s pointless––and we never have an argument/bad feelings that last more than a couple of hours. We know that communication is important, and will sit with the other when they are having a problem, asking what’s wrong, until we reach an understanding. We don’t hold grudges, and try to make the other person ‘pay’ for anything. How could we? If we stayed mad, who would we geek out about our pet topics to?

In case you think me still in naive newlywed bliss, let me clarify Todd and my timeline: We met in 2011, became good friends. In 2012, were best friends, and started dating. Dated until 2013, when Todd proposed, and got married in early 2014, almost exactly two years since we started dating. And, now, we’ve been married for the better part of two years. Do you really think I’ve not seen all sides to my husband, or that I am still in some sort of new-relationship ignorance-is-bliss phase? No.

Being married takes work. You each have to aim to give 100%, because, sometimes, you’re having a hard time, and need your spouse for support. Other times, it’s they who need you. And then there’s the sweet times when you’re both alright, and life is absolute bliss, because of how amazing it is to be married to someone that you think is so awesome.

Todd is really smart. Seriously. I think that, among his peers, he is one of the best computer scientists wizards. I have also never met anyone I’ve found more interesting than him. Or funny. He is the funniest guy I’ve ever come across, and we crack each other up. He is very patient, sweet and kind, good at breaking down problems into manageable pieces, an excellent maker of pizza dough and stir frys, a great writer, very driven to try new ways to be creative (such as making a loom, or taking up knitting), and, to top it all off, super handsome. Just all around wonderful.

(As I write this, feeling a bit unwell, Todd is making me banana pancakes for breakfast––and he hates bananas. Didn't I say he was the best?)

Maybe some woman out there will still think that a girlfriend should get the title of Best Friend, while her husband should get a prescribed list of things for his role. I would just warn against that––why settle for a relationship where you perform your duties, and that’s all it is? All the best marriages I’ve seen are beautiful, because both partners are each other’s best friends.

So, yes, Todd is my best friend. I wouldn’t have it any other way.